My ongoing struggle with perfectionism and how I’m learning to let go

Reading time 6 Minutes

Perfectionism, defined as the relentless pursuit of flawless and often unattainable standards, affects various aspects of one's life, including personal achievements, relationships, and work. People driven by perfectionism tend to set exceedingly high expectations for themselves and others, often leading to self-criticism and a need for control and order. While perfectionism can be a driving force behind great achievements, it can also have negative effects on individuals, such as increased stress, anxiety, and impaired self-confidence. In addition, it can hinder progress and personal growth. In my personal experience, the negative impacts far outweigh the positive. 

The root of perfectionism can vary, and in my case, it traces back to my childhood years. As I reflect on my life, I've always possessed a perfectionistic streak. I used to view my 'high standards' and meticulous attention to detail as strengths, and in many aspects, especially in the workplace, these traits served me well. However, in my mid-30s I had the realisation that my impeccable high standards was actually perfectionism and that it wasn't the strength that I had previously thought it was. For me, perfectionism was rooted in my fear of failure, worrying that I’m not good enough and desperately wanting to be 'accepted'.

Working towards overcoming perfectionism has taught me that it is not merely a series of small acts of self-care; rather, it requires an ongoing commitment to engage in deep and vulnerable work. As I navigate the process of letting go, I've had valuable realisations that continue to fuel my determination to overcome the negative impacts of perfectionism. Here are some of these learnings which I hope can resonate with others who are (or could benefit from being) on a similar path of personal growth.

Perfectionism hinders progress

My relentless pursuit of perfection was hindering my growth and impeding my ability to succeed. Whether it was a professional project, a home improvement task, or even managing my personal admin, I would hesitate to take action if I couldn't execute it flawlessly. Additionally, I was spending an excessive amount of time on tasks, getting caught up in unnecessary details, in the pursuit of perfection. This mindset left me constantly feeling unmotivated and prevented me from experiencing the satisfaction and achievements that consistent progress enables. 

I realised that my all or nothing attitude was doing more harm than good. Instead of enabling me to move forward, it held me back from reaching my full potential. Embracing a new perspective, I began to celebrate milestones along the way and appreciate the value of incremental progress. I discovered that progress doesn't have to be perfect; it simply needs to be moving in the right direction. Ultimately ongoing progress is what truly leads to success. 

My fear of failure was holding me back

I was apprehensive about putting my hand up for opportunities at work or embarking on new projects or connections for the fear of not being good enough - not being perfect. Ultimately, this fear limited my potential for growth and success. I was holding myself back, missing out on endless possibilities. I knew I was extremely capable, but yet I constantly doubted my abilities, mostly in comparison to my own unrealistic standards. I'd shrunk myself, staying contained in a space that I thought was safe, where I couldn't fail. I learnt that perfectionism can be extremely counterintuitive. 

My relationships were suffering

Nobody is perfect but I was expecting them to be, to live up to my unrealistically high, often uncommunicated standards. My perfectionism journey has been enlightening for me, particularly when it comes to my relationships. Human beings are imperfect, but I didn't allow room for that. As a result, I would regularly find myself disappointed and dissatisfied with their perceived failures. No one wants to feel like they're constantly falling short so my relationships stuffered. 

Although this is an area of ongoing struggle, I now strive to approach my relationships with an acceptance of human imperfection. I am learning to focus on my loved ones' many positive qualities, and in the case of my partner, these are the traits that drew me to him in the first place.

My need to be perfect was impacting my mental health

My relentless pursuit of perfection took a toll on my mental well-being. It became evident that my constant striving for the unattainable was creating increased anxiety within me. I didn't realise this until my therapist identified my perfectionism as such and I started learning about its detrimental effects. With this new-found awareness, I soon realised that my unrealistically high expectations were simply unattainable and damaging to my well-being. I now strive to embrace a healthier and more sustainable approach to life's journey.

The beauty of life is the journey, not the end goal

In theory I always loved the quote 'The beauty of life lies not in the destination, but in the journey itself' and yet this was the furthest from the truth with regards to how I lived my life. My focus was fixed on the end goal, causing me to overlook the moments of joy and growth that were present in the journey. I began to savour the small, seemingly insignificant moments that I'd previously overlooked. I came to realise that true happiness and fulfillment existed when I learned to be fully present, focusing on enjoying every step along the way. Although the destination is still important, my journey is no longer a means to an end. 

In times where I'm struggling to be present, a helpful tool that I've learnt is to connect with my senses. I make myself aware of what I'm seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting and smelling. This works well for me when I need to reconnect with the moment and center myself. 

The road to overcoming perfectionism is not an easy one and there definitely are no quick-fixes. At times, I still find myself being stuck in an all consuming bout of perfectionism. The work towards overcoming perfectionism takes perseverance, patience and most importantly, self compassion. I recognise that perfectionism will likely be ever present in my life, requiring ongoing effort and attention. 

Becoming aware of my perfectionism and being able to give it a name was my greatest turning point on this journey. Understanding its detrimental effects motivated me to work towards change. Recently, one of my mentors tasked me with reading the book ‘The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz. I would go as far to say that the fourth agreement, ‘Always do your best’ was life changing for me. It encouraged me to focus on doing my best; my best for the specific circumstance, not my best at all costs. My best will change depending on a multitude of factors - the situation, how well I slept that night, the support I have access to, the tools at my disposal and the time I have available. I will continue to hold myself to high standards, but now my high standards are realistic - I’ll simply do my best.  

I’ve learnt to embrace the imperfect as a beautiful state and realised that 'good enough' is more than good enough; it's the best!