What I wish I knew before having sex for the first time

Reading time 11 Minutes

The first time you have consensual penetrative sex could either be a momentous decision, or simply be something that you decide you want to get over and done with. The problem with either option is, do we really know what we are getting ourselves into? Yes, various articles educate us on the “how to’s” of sex, the physical act and how to prepare for “losing your virginity” as we have become accustomed to calling it. The fact is that most of us have sex for the very first time at a fairly young age.  For many, including myself, it's because we are in love and feel that we want to take our relationships to the next level. Having already taken this journey, I'd like to share some of the things I wish I knew before I decided to consensually give up my “virginity” status. 

Growing up in a sex-shy household

I grew up in a largely conservative and religious household where the word “sex” was considered a taboo topic. The only conversations about sex in my household were about abstinence and how having sex before marriage was considered a sin. A sin so shameful that it would ensure you were ostracised from your church, community and friend groups. The vision set for me was picture perfect couples in church that spoke about how they were each other’s first sexual partners and that saving themselves was the key to their marriages being successful. My parents avoided any talk of sex, we never engaged in any kind of conversation discussing what sexual acts of any type entailed. Porn was considered a downright sin. Masturbation was giving in to the flesh. And Sex? Well sex was going to send you straight to the pit of hell!

The guy

Needless to say, having sex for the first time was a decision I considered very seriously and I fully took responsibility for this “act of defiance” against my upbringing. I was 20 years old when I decided to take that step, only having been kissed for the first time at the age of 19. I was madly in love with someone who I deemed an escape from the condemnation of committing one of the biggest sins and not living the perfect Christian life. He was kind, helpful, considerate and respectful, but he also really wasn’t what my parents would’ve considered the best choice for me. He had dark hair, tan skin, kind eyes and a mystery about him that completely intrigued me. He drove a red VW Beetle and secretly smoked rollies, knowing his mother would probably kill him if she ever found out. He was everything “church” warned me against. Yes, you guessed it, he was my first boyfriend and I fell hard. 

We had a whirlwind of a romance that included love letters and handmade gifts that lasted for about 6 months until we broke up for the first time. I was shattered.  Like any young naive woman in love I believed this was just a bump in the road and we were meant for each other. Well, a couple of weeks later we got back together and naturally the being “meant for each other” part of my brain was overjoyed and revelled in the idea of being right. At the time he was house-sitting for about three months which meant we had the whole place to ourselves to do exactly whatever we wanted - it was amazing. He cooked for me, we watched movies, cuddled and slowly but surely engaged in more sexual activity - the basics you know, like fingering, hand jobs, taking long showers together, and candle lit bubble baths.

My current self realises that we had pretty incredible foreplay for about a month, which I definitely need more of in my current sex life. Mind you, I should just ask for more of it! Now back to the first time I had sex.

The act

At this point, I have to mention that when we initially started dating he was very aware of the fact that I was planning to remain a faithful virgin until I was married. He respected my decision wholeheartedly. Based on my personal experience, if you want to remain a virgin until you are married, do not even think about spending that much alone time with a man that you are in love with. Let alone engage in sexual foreplay. Hormones are real and your brain does not think anymore, your body will eventually just take over. Although I had been contemplating having sex for a couple of weeks at this stage, I did not plan on it happening that very night. I knew very little about what the act of penetrative sex entailed except for what I had seen in some formidable “explicitly sexual movie” on a local TV channel late one night. What I knew was based on some information I had read somewhere. This information boiled down to, he penetrates you, then supposedly you experience pain, you bleed, and if you are not on birth control you are going to get pregnant. Oh and don’t forget the religion based condemnation of committing “that” heinous sin. 

One evening after a blissful sexy shower and some heated foreplay, I told him that I was ready to have sex for the first time. He asked me more than once if I was sure and I assured him that I was ready. Well, it felt different, it was good but in a cautious way. Much to my surprise there was no pain or blood, I was naturally lubricated enough (due to  our extensive foreplay of course!). Today at the age of 32 I realise I was blessed beyond my years. To have great foreplay and be naturally lubricated without the need for lube after a glass of wine or a stressful day, what absolute bliss! The sex didn’t last longer than a couple of minutes, not because he ejaculated or I was hurt, but because I was so uneducated I already believed I was going to be pregnant the next day. I didn’t even know what ejaculation or pre-cum was, never mind that the chances of me getting pregnant were slim to none at that point of my menstrual cycle. I completely freaked out, like I had a total panic attack. Not only was I now possibly pregnant, but I also just went against everything I had grown up to avoid at all costs and I could never go back. 

He was a gentleman all the way, assured me everything was okay and he held me until I fell asleep. He was also inexperienced and had given up his virginity in his Matric year to a girl in the neighbourhood but this had also only happened once. The next morning on our way to work, I demanded he stop at a pharmacy so that I could buy the morning after pill, since I was now pregnant”. As a 20 year old woman I had to complete a form detailing my sexual history vs my menstruation cycle. I had to justify my need for the morning after pill. This was such a traumatic experience on its own because I had no idea what I was doing and I already despised myself for being this stupid. Long story short, I obviously wasn’t pregnant, I did not go up in flames due to religious condemnation and the morning after pill jumbled up my hormones in such an insane way that I now had a whole new set of problems to deal with. We broke up a month after my first time. I was once again absolutely heartbroken. They say hindsight is always twenty-twenty, so I’m making a list of notes to self detailing the mental things I wish I knew before having sex for the first time, which seemed like the obvious solution.

Mental Note to Self (MNTS) #1: Don’t let your upbringing determine when or whether you should have sex

I wish I had opened myself up to being more educated about the physical and emotional act of sex. Not letting what I had been told by my parents, family and church be the only source of information regarding sex. After I had engaged in intercourse, I became extremely suicidal, not because I felt that I would want to go back and not have sex. But because I felt completely alone and that I had no one to talk to that wouldn’t judge me. I ostracised myself from my family and friends, believing they would somehow find out I committed this big sin and disown me. I took this massive step in my life and I felt as if I was doing it completely alone. If I had known more about the mental and emotional side of sex, I would have rather remained a virgin for a lot longer than I did. Not because I was taught to abstain, but because I would have known that sex wasn’t the thing that made a relationship. In fact it complicated things. A lot. And that complication is what leads me to the second mental note to self.

MNTS #2: Have people around you that will support you regardless of their own beliefs

I had a friend who had recently gone through a divorce, we worked together and attended the same church. The day after I had taken the morning after pill, my friend came up to me and asked me what was wrong. I started crying and downloaded everything. She was so supportive, she even bought me a pregnancy test (even though she was 99% sure I wasn’t pregnant) because she saw how worried I was. Although she was there for me and took me to the local clinic to get birth control, it still felt like an extremely lonely period in my life. The people that were closest to me were in the dark about how I was feeling. Due to the fear of being judged, I didn't feel comfortable asking for help. One day after about 2 months of constantly trying to pep talk myself into not committing suicide, I phoned my sister up and asked if we could meet. I just needed to be rid of the heaviness in my heart. Within minutes of us sitting down in the coffee shop I started crying and told her everything. To my surprise her reaction was simply, “Wow, how did it feel?” and “Is it as great as everyone says it is?”. You might have gathered she was also still a virgin at the time but not once did she even look at me differently. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Finally, I could talk to the one person to whom I was closest to about this life altering decision I had made.

MNTS #3: Having sex doesn’t equal his loyalty

Sex was a big step for me and it connected us even more emotionally than when we were just fooling around. I tried everything I could to get him to stay with me, even attempted the friends with benefits thing because he was “afraid” of commitment. All in the hopes that his love for me would grow and he would take me, his one true love, back. Needless to say, that did not happen. I ended up in a 4 year cycle of on and off friends with benefits which left me confused, hurt and not having a healthy point of view regarding sex. In an attempt to make that hurt go away, I ended up having sex with guys I hoped would want to be in a relationship with me. The result was more heartache, confusion and a low self-esteem. I engaged in extremely risky sexual behaviour fueled by alcohol and a desire to be loved by someone, to feel worthy of their time. I needed to feel worthy of being loved by someone and being wholeheartedly accepted for being me. The sex I was having was meaningless and not even enjoyable to say the least. It was all about the guy getting off and me having to pretend that it was “Oh so amazing!”. Newsflash, it wasn’t, it was just plain bleh.

MNTS #4: Great sex takes time, especially if you’re a woman

I had more than a couple of sexual encounters, sadly none of them hit the spot. I was constantly left needing more or wanting something different. Later in life, to my surprise, I discovered the longer you engage sexually with one person, the more enjoyable it becomes. The real kicker? Life is not a steamy Hollywood scene and definitely not a porno where everyone seems to be having an orgasmic sexual experience right from the start. A fulfilling sex life meant I had to be able to trust the person wholeheartedly, there needed to be a connection of the mind and the soul. Sex had to be with someone I cared about and who cared about me. The longer you are in that safe space with someone, the more comfortable you become in being able to tell them what you like, what turns you on and vice versa. Which leads me straight to the last note to self.

MNTS #5: Don’t fake it until you make it

I, like most, was bombarded with steamy movie scenes, Cosmopolitan and Men’s Health articles on how to achieve the big “O”. I felt incredibly guilty if I didn’t reach an orgasm during sex, so for many years I completely faked it. I faked my orgasms just so the guy would feel a bit better about himself and hopefully not leave because he felt less than. However, my logic was completely flawed in so many ways. First of all, if you don’t tell him that you weren’t satisfied, he won’t change anything that could help you reach ultimate satisfaction. You end up drawing the short straw everytime (no pun intended). Secondly, you are so focused on whether or not he will find out you faked it, that you really end up not enjoying it at all. Thirdly, female pleasure zones are so intricate that you can have a variety of phenomenal orgasms all while our male counterpart…well, he can only have one type - ejaculation. Sadly, it's our job to educate men on what we want and how we want it and that not all pleasure is based on orgasming in the way they see it on screens. The more you communicate this with your partner, the less stress you put on yourself and the more likely you are to enjoy yourself. Upside, there is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants in the bedroom and can communicate that. If a man can’t handle that, then he’s just not the one for you!

If I had known half of the things mentioned here I am nearly certain I would have had a much different sexual experience, not only on the first time but generally in my 20’s. Why is it that women tend to not want to speak to each other about their experiences whether good or bad? Why should sex be for male pleasure only when we have so much more going on down there, with so many different ways to experience pleasure? Perhaps it’s up to us as women to educate each other with our experiences and lessons we have learnt, so that all of us can have fulfilling sex lives and a truly great first time. So, grab a bottle of wine (or three), get a charcuterie board going and talk to your girlfriends, sisters and yes, your mothers about sex. Make it a safe space where honesty prevails in the hope of improving everyone’s sex life both physically and emotionally. Write your own note to self or share mine to get the conversation going.