Tough financial conversations to have before saying “I do”
Reading time: 6 Minutes
Finances: the one word that can start an argument between any newlywed couple in an instant. Being brought up in a more traditional household, discussing finances was regarded as a very taboo topic. Nowadays we all know we need to seek to be financially stable, but very little goes into preparing couples pre-marriage for managing their finances.
These are the types of questions that tested my newlywed lifestyle a lot. I went into the relationship with traditional thoughts, not questioning or discussing my partner's financial stability or what his stance is when it comes to finances. We got married and moved into a little flat on my mother-in-law’s property, a fixer upper. One by one, things came up that needed fixing, and day-by-day I realised our money was starting to deplete. Sadly our newlywed bliss also started to deplete, leaving us not only emotionally drained but physically too. The final straw came during a storm when the rain started to drip onto our bed. So I mustered up all my courage, approached my husband and had an incredibly uncomfortable talk about our future and finances. It felt as if I was going against my modest, “no-money talk” upbringing, but I knew that we were the only ones responsible for our future and in order for us to flourish, we needed to decide which direction we were going in, what our goals and dreams were and the role that money would play in all of this.
The courage to have uncomfortable conversations
To be clear, it wasn’t just a once off discussion where the marital bliss swiftly returned after, but rather multiple ongoing conversations that would mould how we crafted our responses to one another as a couple, and no longer as two individuals. I soon realised that money is not just a physical trigger, but an emotional one too. It has been systemically ingrained into most men that they should be the provider for their partner and families, and that even having feelings of any kind would be considered a weakness. This resulted in my husband being overwhelmed and making impulse purchases. He bought an inverter, but we don't even have our own house yet, along with a motocross bike that’s not even legal to drive in the city. Needless to say, on these days I didn’t manage to stay happy, calm and rooted in newlywed bliss. However, after a bit of talking and pushing past the superficial reasons such as “we will use it one day”, or “it was on special - we saved a lot”, I realised that my husband was struggling financially and he did not know how to express it. His only response to this struggle was buying impractical things to make himself feel better in the moment.
The goal with me sharing this story is not to tell you about all the things that make a marriage tough, but rather about how to navigate those difficult times. My husband and I have a saying: “when in doubt, talk it out”. Each time either of us feel unsure about a larger financial purchase (>R3000 / > $ 200) we talk to each other about it, and I’ve found that walking through the wants vs needs of the decision gives one a much more sensible take on how to spend our money. Another crucial thing to keep in mind is to allow for open and honest conversation, along with understanding that you are both different and have different views on certain matters. Talking about finances takes courage and time - time to open up to each other and to be there to help and support one another.
Cut through the surface-level questions and really get to know each other
During our dating years, my husband and I hardly discussed our financial futures - mistake number one. We knew our career choices would never make us millionaires, and we were okay with that. In the back of my mind however, the question always lingered: “will we be financially secure enough to survive?”. We asked each other superficial questions such as:
What type of car do you want to drive?
Where do you want to live, by the beach or country?
Where do you want to travel to?
I thought that by asking these questions, it would give me an idea about his ambitions, goals and dreams. Yet, all they managed to be were a misguided bandaid to avoid the real, hard truths of life. I feel like dating is the real honeymoon period of every relationship, because marriage definitely changes the dynamic. Once you tie the knot, you’re in it for the long run and you need to start facing challenges head on, together.
During these euphoric dating months, nothing made me feel as special as receiving a gift from the one I loved (gifts are my love language), however with every gift I received, I never once asked my husband (then boyfriend) if he could afford it. I was just basking in the joyous moment, not realising that my want for material things were having a domino effect on our future.
Prepping for the big day
Once you start planning a wedding it becomes clear whether you have money or not. We had a fantastic wedding day and it was beautiful as our bank accounts allowed it to be. After our wedding and honeymoon, reality settled in. As much as my husband still wanted to spoil me, I knew that financially it just wasn't possible anymore. I started to understand that I too had to change my view and mentality towards the role that money plays in our marriage. Whilst starting to do some introspection, I noticed that I was still stuck with very traditional ideas of the man being the provider, and I felt ashamed that I let it happen for so long, not realising the implications on our relationship. The domino effect of casual spending during our dating months was catching up faster than we could keep up with. Looking back now, I know just how much we could have saved if I was happy with the effortless words of affirmation or acts of service. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying just be happy with your husband saying “I love you” and move on, but you really don't need to have takeout every weekend, or 10 different purses because you liked the colours. This goes both ways, your husband doesn’t need 4 BBQ sets, or a bottle of perfume / cologne for every single anniversary.
The questions I should’ve asked before saying “I do”
We have not yet mastered the art of financial security for our future, but we have definitely started to look at things through a different lens. The questions we ask each other have changed, and even though they still make us feel uncomfortable, we never attack each other's character. I see it as having a business partner and your future together as being ‘the investment’. The focus is on how you are going to improve it together. We started to ask each other questions like:
How much money can both of us save monthly? And how will we invest it?
Should we think about furthering our education so that in return we can apply for more high paying jobs?
Are we willing to be separated and do long-distance so that one of us can work overseas and we can reach our financial goals faster?
What are our financial goals, short-and long term?
Where do our parents fit into this? If they get frail, who will take care of them? Should we open up a separate long-term investment account for them?
Our financial journey has only just started, but I wish someone had asked me these questions when I was still in school. I also wonder if it would have affected my career choices back then - perhaps my views on spending money would have been drastically different…I don’t know. What I do know is that there are unavoidable choices that will cross your path at some point, it doesn’t matter if you are married or not. So rather be prepared, and if you don't know how to start talking about finances with your partner, here are some valuable questions I wished I asked my husband before I got married:
Do you still support your parents?
What is your salary per month?
How would you feel if the woman earns more money than you in the relationship?
If you were given a million rand, how would you spend it? (This will give you a good idea if they are a saver or spender)
If we get married, what expenses would we have to share?
If one of us were unable to work due to a medical reason (accident, pregnancy etc.) how would we be financially secure?
Lastly, please be kind to each other when entering the financial journey. You are in this together, and I know money can’t buy you everything, but it damn well can avoid a ton of arguments, and buy you that overseas holiday once every two years. So happy money talking!
