How not to self-sabotage when asking for a raise
Reading time: 9 Minutes
Asking for more money can be daunting. It invokes a range of negative emotions like nervousness, anxiety, self-doubt, and fear of rejection or judgment. Coincidentally, these negative emotions lie at the root of procrastination and putting off those difficult conversations. But don’t worry, we’ve all been there!
It’s often easier to convince yourself that what you’re earning is fine instead of having to build up the courage and confidence to ask for more money and face potential rejection and the negative emotions that coincide with it. Add that to the number of societal barriers women face in the workplace, and it becomes even harder to build up that courage. The odds are seemingly stacked against you when asking for better compensation - from dealing with the gender wage gap to limited salary transparency, all factors making it harder for you to benchmark yourself against peers in similar positions.
When you factor in global and local economic conditions where layoffs are imminent, and businesses are struggling with red tape, looming inflation, ever-increasing petrol prices, and load shedding, then asking for a raise becomes a horse you’re not willing to saddle up with, since you’ve likely already convinced yourself that somehow the raise won’t fall within budget, or you’ve told yourself that you should feel lucky to even have a job.
All these feelings are valid, but if you decide not to ask for a raise when you know you should be getting one; or you know you’re being underpaid, you’re doing yourself a disservice. The long-term impact of working for less than what you should have a significant knock-on effect on your standard of living. It affects your career progression, your savings ability, your ability to retire in a semi-decent condition, and even your self-worth, as you intrinsically accept that you ‘deserve less’.
So how do we get out of our own way and ask for that raise? Here are 12 steps to help with the thinking, negotiation, and feedback process involved.
Get the facts
Review what your initial job description was and compare it to what you are currently doing. Job scope creep is common, and often, high-performers get rewarded with more work. Additionally, ‘unpaid work’ like presentation preparation, note-taking, administrative tasks, and internal event planning are often passed to female employees. Helping out here and there is not a problem, but knowing what you handle within your role and what you’re comfortable with handling outside of your job description allows you to clearly determine what is beyond the scope of your job, which places you in a better position to negotiate for a raise.
Research similar roles and what they are paying in your area and for your level of experience - Glassdoor and Payscale are good sources for this exercise. This will give you an idea of what the going market rate is and how your salary compares. If possible, find out what the salary bracket is for your role within your company and where you sit within that bracket, as this will give you an indication of how much room for negotiation exists.
Understand the math
Your goal is to earn more and have additional recognition for the value you provide to the company. Most companies aim to maximise profit, and that means that operational costs need to be kept as low as possible. It’s a known fact that paying for talent is often one of the most expensive item costs to an organisation, specifically in knowledge organisations. You can also argue that replacing your role will take an average of 6 months, not to mention all the institutional knowledge that’ll depart with you, along with the networks you’ve built. Thus, HR can decide for themselves whether retention, i.e., paying you more in order to keep you versus recruiting for and replacing someone in your role, would be in the company’s best interest. You can do the math and show the likely impact of this hypothetical exercise to further state your case.
Stay focused and identify your goal
There is an unending list of reasons why you could need more money, but your personal life choices are not something your company cares about. This may sound harsh, but just because you recently had a baby, or you’re dealing with additional medical bills or interest rates that are making your mortgage payments untenable is not a reason for the organisation to pay you more. An organisation pays you for the value you bring to the company and the impact you have through your skills - in simple terms, it's a trade exchange. So stay focused on those aspects, and stick to the facts when asking for a raise. It’s also important to decide on what it is you’re looking for and what the lowest increase is that you’re willing to settle for. Oftentimes, an employer won’t have the budget to fund your increase, but they’re able to offer you other benefits in lieu of a financial increase, i.e., more paid leave days, financing further education, or something else you value. Knowing beforehand what your bounds are and what you’re willing to negotiate with gives you leverage to counter-offer instead of just having a binary ‘yes / no’ outcome.
Practise saying it out loud
Be ready to answer the question ‘OK, what are you looking for?’ with confidence. That’s easier said than done, but confidence comes with practice, so practice saying what you’re looking for out loud until there’s no emotional reaction to it - it’s just a fact that you’re stating. Then practise saying it to someone you trust. Giving yourself the opportunity to practise beforehand allows you to come across as more confident in the discussion, and as with any negotiation; confidence is key.
Read our article on becoming more confident here.
Prepare your mindset, and be ready for counter-arguments
Your employer is motivated to keep costs as low as possible, so if they can, they will. Put yourself in their position and think of the questions they’re likely to ask or get some friends/trusted colleagues to help you brainstorm. Follow this exercise by preparing an answer for each question, and be ready to show them your value through the facts that you’ve gathered and the research you’ve done. Asking your manager for a raise doesn’t need to be an antagonistic experience, and your internal dialogue around that conversation beforehand will have a major impact on how you react during it. Offence is not always the best defence, so if you’re preparing for a ‘fight,’ you’ll act more defensively and look for signs to confirm what you were preparing for. However, if you approach it as just a conversation, and possibly the first of a couple of conversations about a raise, your demeanour in the meeting will be different too.
Detach your self-worth from the outcome
This is easier said than done, but you are not your job. You are so much more than the salary they pay you. You are more than an employee or your job title, and who you are the day before you ask for a raise, and the day following doesn’t change. You provide value to the company, and they can choose to recognise that value or not - you don’t have control over that - but you do have control over how you allow yourself to define your worth. As soon as you become detached from the outcome, you allow yourself to be more free to negtiate, because they aren’t saying ‘no’ to you as a person, they’re saying ‘no’ to your request, and that’s a subtle but important distinction.
Prepare for a negative outcome
Know what you’re willing to do if the answer is a ‘no’ or a ‘not yet’. Are you willing to walk away from the company? Are you willing to wait to discuss it again in the future? Are you willing to accept the ‘no’ and continue on as before? Having an awareness of what it is that you’re willing to do or not gives you the peace of mind to know what your options are, even in the ‘worst case scenario’ of getting a ‘no’. On top of that, have questions ready to clarify the ‘no' or ’not yet’ outcome in order to align your actions with what a raise will require. Perhaps more training and education are expected in the way of refining your soft skills or technical expertise - understanding what opportunities are available to demonstrate the skills they’re looking for is critical to a successful outcome in the future.
Find a leadership ally and acknowledge power dynamics
Having a mentor or a person in a leadership position to advocate for you can be really powerful. Therefore look at the relationships you have and the allies that you’ve gathered (your network) - not just within this organisation but also externally. Discuss your strategies towards approaching the conversation, or if they’re more senior, ask them whether they’d be willing to advocate for you in forums you can’t participate in. Remember that when asking for a raise and speaking to a superior, there’s already a power dynamic at play. Add in gender and age differences, and that dynamic becomes even more pronounced. Instead of ignoring this, acknowledge it and focus on respectful assertiveness.
Set your intentions and communicate clearly
You can’t control what anyone else does or how they react, but you can only control yourself and your actions. So before the meeting, take a couple of deep breaths and set your intention for the conversation - for example, ‘my intention is to clearly and concisely convey my request for a raise, substantiate my reasons, and walk away with clear next steps.’ Focusing on what your intentions are for the meeting, instead of purely getting a “yes/no” answer on the issue, takes the pressure off. Once again, practice makes perfect here, so focus on communicating your request and subsequent points clearly and concisely, and allow space for parties to listen without you filling in the silence. Silence is uncomfortable, and people naturally want to fill it, so practise holding that silence, and you’ll come across as naturally being more assertive.
Negotiate with grace and leverage body language
Remain respectful and assertive without being aggressive or emotional during the conversation, even if the outcome is not what you hoped for. Burning bridges is always an option you can utilise, but it may not be the best option, and you don’t want to have to make that decision in the heat of the moment. If you feel the conversation is triggering you and you need a moment, ask for a comfort break to collect yourself again. Body language is a powerful non-verbal communication tool, so learn to use it effectively. Practice sitting upright with your shoulders back, pay attention to your nervous ticks and find ways to minimise them. Even consider recording yourself for a mock meeting and notice what you do - it can be very uncomfortable watching yourself, but it gives you more power to impact how you come across and how your request may be received.
Start the conversation on equal footing
Getting your manager to say ‘yes’ early on in the conversation sets the tone for a more positive conversation. Find common ground that you both agree on, whether this sentiment is that business is booming, suppliers have been delivering beyond expected levels, or that performance is outpacing budget in a certain region - this approach, by Dale Carnegie, works wonders in negotiations and allows you to start from a common understanding, instead of treating the conversation as antagonistic.
Allow space to process
You don’t need to respond to an offer in the meeting; instead, you can ask for space to consider the discussion and determine whether the offer presented is one you’re willing to settle for. Don’t feel pressured to respond immediately in the meeting. Thank your manager for their time and the offer, and give them a timeframe for when you’ll respond - Remember, it’s just a conversation, so give yourself permission to respond in the best way possible.
Asking your manager for more money is never easy, and the chances of hearing a ‘no’ are higher for women than it is for men. However, not asking at all is a guaranteed ‘no’. And waiting for someone in a leadership position to notice your hard work and effort and reward you for it is unfortunately unlikely. Therefore, it’s up to you to advocate for yourself. It’s up to you to put in the effort and tackle those negative emotions so you can live the life you truly want and get remunerated for the value you bring to your company.
