Assertiveness 101: How to say no without actually saying NO
Reading time: 8 Minutes
How often do you find yourself saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’? It’s a common challenge I’ve encountered in my work, especially amongst women, and I have personally struggled with this myself. Because of this, I spent years diving deeper into the ‘why’ behind this struggle.
Some of the common reasons that pop up include:
Feeling guilty
Wanting to avoid conflict
Not wanting to miss out (FOMO)
Lacking self-confidence and assertiveness
Wanting to be supportive and caring
Wanting to feel needed
Feeling obligated to say ‘yes’
Feeling disempowered and like there isn’t really a choice
Feeling the weight of the expectations of others
Not wanting to disappoint others, and
Wanting to avoid being judged
When faced with this wall of negative emotions and real and imagined consequences, it’s often easier to just say ‘yes’ and deal with the added pressure it’ll put on you instead of tackling that head-on. But who’s looking out for you? Who’s putting your needs and mental health first and making sure you are in a position to thrive long-term?
Having boundaries, being assertive, and being able to say ‘no’ can be intimidating, especially if you value being helpful, caring, and supportive, as it can feel like saying ‘no’ is clearly juxtaposed to what you value. But there’s a difference between being supportive of others and being an outright people-pleaser - the understatement lies in whether your needs are being considered.
So, what if you could still embody all those positive traits you value without sacrificing yourself to help others? That’s what we’ll focus on - learning to consider yourself when responding to requests so that you can still support others while having your own needs met. I’ve collected an array of practical tips to say ‘no’, and I share them with you now, hoping you too can eventually decline requests without feeling a morsel of guilt or shame:
Build a new default response
When we’re used to helping out, the default response tends to be ‘yeah, sure, no problem’ followed by instant dread and regret as you realise you’re already spread too thin. The first step is to create a new default response to combat this. You can still say ‘yes’ later, but changing the default response allows you to create space to make a decision instead of just automatically saying ‘yes’. So keep it super simple, for example, ‘I’m just in the middle of something. Can I let you know in a bit?’ or ‘Let me just check my calendar quickly.’ Doing this buys you time to consider how the request makes you feel and where it’ll fit into your life before answering.
Action item: Brainstorm a couple of new defaults to try out for all aspects of your life.
Practice the new default response
Changing a habit of saying ‘yes’ can be really hard, so ease yourself into it by practising giving yourself space to make a decision. Start with ‘low impact’ requests or with non-verbal ones via email or text and work your way up to ‘high impact’ ones. It doesn’t matter if you know the answer is going to be ‘yes’; the aim is to build in space for a conscious decision.
Action item: Use a new default response on a ‘low impact’ and a ‘high impact’ request.
Embrace the discomfort
Building a boundary and changing a pattern of behaviour is uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean it’s terrible - it’s just new and different. And new and different is generally what our brains want to protect us from, so embrace the discomfort as you forge a new path and build a new habit.
Action item: Give yourself a pat on the back or a reward when you don’t shy away from the discomfort.
Show yourself compassion
Moving from defaulting to ‘yes’ can be challenging, and like with any new habit, there will be times when you fail and default again, but that is to be expected. When it happens, acknowledge it, understand why you defaulted, and try again with the next request. And please don’t beat yourself up over it.
Action item: Be kind to yourself when you slip up and default to ‘yes’ again.
Be honest with yourself
When evaluating a request, it helps to be brutally honest with yourself. When you think about taking on that task, check in on yourself with how you physically feel. Does your heart sink? Is there a little voice in your head screaming ‘no’? Do you feel anxious? Does the word ‘should’ come up often? By checking in with yourself, you start giving your own needs a voice. You can still choose to say ‘yes’, but at least you can consciously make that decision and acknowledge the compromise you’re making.
Action item: Listen to yourself and respect your own feelings.
Redefine busy
Just because you physically have hours that aren’t allocated to tasks does not mean they’re free - permitting yourself to have downtime or obligation-free time is crucial to your own well-being and mental health. So, just because you technically are free doesn’t mean you have to say ‘yes’. You are allowed to prioritise yourself first.
Action item: Book downtime and treat it like an important meeting with yourself.
Deal with guilt
A big part of why we say ‘yes’ is because saying ‘no’ makes us feel guilty. This can be due to years of conditioning by society and family or simply giving in to the fear of missing out. But what if you flipped the script? Take some time to think about how you would protect a loved one’s time and energy. Can you say ‘no’ when it’s to protect them and care for them? So why not for yourself? What is your inner voice saying to make you avoid choosing that same fierce protection for yourself, too?
Action item: Stand up for yourself like you would for a loved one.
Share the support responsibility
When you value being supportive and caring, it’s easy to default to saying ‘yes’ and taking on a ‘how can I support you?’ mindset, but that puts the responsibility of support on your shoulders. Making a slight shift to ‘What support do you need?’ opens up the conversation and shifts the mindset to a shared responsibility because the focus isn’t on what you need to do but on what needs to be done. Just because support is necessary doesn’t mean it must come exclusively from you.
Action item: Free yourself from carrying the support responsibility. Focus on the overall goal and open up the conversation to explore more support options.
Personify your inner people pleaser
How we speak to ourselves is extremely powerful, and changing that is hard, but the first step is acknowledging it. So take some time to listen to what your inner people pleaser is saying to you. Is there a narrative convincing you that your needs are not as important? Is it guilting you? Is it telling you that you can handle more on your plate? Acknowledging that voice and personifying the intangible will help you turn the tide on that narrative. So give it a name (and a face if you’re feeling creative). Now, the next time that voice pops up, you can choose how much ‘airtime’ it gets - So Suzie can sit down and stop talking when you choose.
Action item: Give your inner people pleaser a name and choose how much ‘airtime’ it gets.
Find the compromise
When a request comes in, critically look at what you have on your plate (including your own well-being) and identify what you may be willing to do or who else may be better suited. You can still support the outcome by sharing your limits and offering alternatives without compromising yourself. For example, ‘I’d love to help, but I’ll only be able to do x part.’, ‘I think X would be better suited for this task.’ or ‘This sounds great, but I’ll only be able to help after x date.’
Action item: Evaluate the options you’re comfortable with and share them.
Deliver the “no”
‘No’ is a complete sentence, but often, we’re not in a situation where we want to be as direct or can be as direct, and we want to consider the broader impact. When you want to be less direct, you can express gratitude and share that you don’t have the capacity for that now. For example, ‘That sounds great, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it this time.’ or ‘Thank you for considering me, but I won’t be able to take this on at this time.’
Action item: Experiment with saying ‘no’ in a less direct way.
Don’t over-explain
You don’t need to give a reason, prove you don’t have the capacity, or share that you don’t want to do it. Simply stating that you don’t have the capacity or aren’t in a position to help right now is enough. You don’t owe anyone an explanation - it’s not for them to decide if your reasons are valid. It’s your life, your energy, your boundaries, and your decision.
Action item: Fight the urge to defend your ‘no’.
Deal with the response
Shifting the dynamic in a relationship comes with challenges, so when you start putting in boundaries and not defaulting to saying ‘yes,’ there may be some initial strain on the relationship. You can navigate that shift more easily if it’s a healthy relationship. However, if it’s an unhealthy relationship, there could be conflict. This can be hard to acknowledge and deal with, but knowing the state of the various relationships in your life is also very valuable. You are not responsible for other people’s emotions, and it’s a recipe for burnout when you want to protect others from discomfort at your own expense.
Action item: Give people space to react, but avoid wanting to save them from discomfort.
Be your own bestie
When you’re struggling to say ‘no’ and prioritise yourself, being more objective can help. You can lessen the direct emotional connection by asking yourself what you would say to a friend in a similar position. So think about what advice you would give a friend. Would you tell them to suck it up and just say ‘yes’? Or would you be more compassionate and caring?
Action item: Practice being your own best friend and show yourself some compassion.
Look at the bigger picture
Every ‘yes’ and ‘no’ has an impact and a subsequent ripple effect, so in isolation, it may seem insignificant, but in the longer term, the effect may be significant. For example, attending an event may only be one afternoon, but it may be the only afternoon you have to decompress and recharge before your next full week. This impacts how rested you enter into the next week, impacting your reactivity levels, stress levels, decision-making ability, creativity, and ability to show up fully. So, by looking at the bigger picture, you can see more of the ripple effect and can choose which path you want to take.
Action item: Do a ripple effect evaluation for the next request you get.
These are just a few practical ways to start shifting to saying ‘no’, but dealing with the various barriers involved in the process can still be daunting. Saying ‘no’ is physically accessible (just look at most toddlers), but the psychological impact is a different story. There are numerous challenges we face when it comes to setting boundaries, being assertive, and saying ‘no’, but if we don’t tackle that, we only sacrifice ourselves and our mental health. So start small and try out these practical tips to help you move from people-pleasing to being a healthy supporter, and if you struggle with the shift, then reach out to a friend, a mentor, or a coach to help you navigate your unique situations. Pretty soon these tools will become second nature.
